Dussera Unplugged

When it comes to festivals, you are treated like cattle. You are forced to wake up in the wee hours of the morning, which is particularly painstaking if you are still hooked up with a hangover after a late night that you've just had..

But ma, I just bathed yesterday... why again?
Oh cmon, im sure god wouldn't mind me in shorts, why should I look so decked up?

After the repeated agonising squeals of mercy are rejected,I muster up the energy to drag my ass out of bed, put on a gaudy shirt and a strange colored pant just to please my parents and convince myself that the day will be over soon.

My duties are simple, or atleast thats how they seem.

Lighting a match->
Now this may seem like a very simple task, lemme explain...
dad breaks coconut into two halves, picks a plate of fruits, flowers and assorted festival paraphernelia and rotates once. At this stage im supposed to break out of my trance and light the camphor that is laid out in the plate. May seem very simple, and I have experience of lighting wax matches @ two per day.
But the damn thing refuses to light on the all important occasion. Plate gets heavier until dad can;t hold it any longer, while im still having no luck at strike 4!
He regrets having not broken the coconut on my head.
This happens perpetually on every dussera, its a curse.

Red and Yellow Powder ->
Im supposed to mix the yellow powder (kesar i think) in some water and apply it on god's hands , head and limbs. Then mark a red dot right at the centre.
This might not seem arduous.But turns out our gods have so many hands and feet that I almost invariable miss a limb. And im again unceremoniously accused of being irresponsible and apathetic towards the divine anatomy.

The lemon trick ->
This ones really tricky. You ought to place one lemon beneath every tyre of every vehicle you possess, start the vehicle and run em over so every single one of them are squished. Turns out, the roads in and around my house are mostly pot-holed. So these lemons roll off and land up in the nearest gutter before I can even start the vehicle. What a waste os lemonade...!